inkskinned:

i live on countdown. thirty-three days until i am done with this. twenty-something until christmas, until new years. only three days of work before a day of rest. just eight more classes until i graduate. just one more year until i’m out of here. just. just. just this moment itself kind of feels like i’m both wasting it and wasting in it. like it’s killing me to be here and live through it but i know when i look back it will seem like it passed in an instant. already i’m worrying that i’m missing the best of things. already i’m worrying that it doesn’t get better on the other side of this. that i reach the end of the countdown just for another one to begin. like i don’t know how to survive without a clock telling me there’s ten days before he goes away again or there’s six years before i have to buy a house or there’s only so much time left before my youth runs out. how do you plan for the future and also live in the moment. how do you keep your childhood joy and also obsess about what happens two years from now. 

i just want off the ledge. i want to be someone who doesn’t care what happens next. i want to be someplace that whatever happens, happens. that i’m not worried about the end.